From the Maple Tree

The phone rang. Again.

“Good morning,” I answered. “Greer Citizen. This is Kenny.”

“Hi, I’m calling cause I didn’t get my newspaper,” the voice on the line said.

“I’m sorry about that,” I began, “We certainly want our subscribers to get their newspapers.”

Beneath a sea of prickly thorns and dense brush, blanketed in at least 150 years of antiquity, the old Double Springs cemetery is said to exist on the land of a new housing development called Edward Springs, off Locust Hill Road.

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but with the arrival of May we’ve officially entered the festival season. I’m affectionately naming this month FestivalFest; it’s a time when for three consecutive weekends, a town in this area has a festival. There’s just so much fest I can hardly contain myself.

Five ballplayers handled the baseball before Chicago White Sox third basemen Todd Frazier tagged out slow of foot Texas Rangers designated hitter Prince Fielder in a rundown.

She squirmed in my arms and caught my gaze with her deep blue eyes, demonstrating a crooked smile and emitting a satisfied sigh. Then she pooped on me.

Parenthood is great.

One man interrogatively said to me recently, “Nothing is truly off the record, right?” In Unquotable Quotes Land that would be correct, but I’m asking the questions here. It is time for Unquotable Quotes, the column where everything you say can and will be used against you without your expressed written consent or even your name.

Welcome back to Victor Park where the dust has settled following the first ever Town Council Championship between the Lyman Lions and the Greer Globetrotters. Last Wednesday Lyman upset the Wellford Whippoorwills 12-11 while Greer defeated the Duncan Donuts 42-23.

Earlier today, 12 fans looked on at Victor Park as local governments fictitiously fought to make an appearance in the first ever Town Council Tourney Championship.

Disclaimer: this tournament didn’t actually happen.